Dear Princess Tulip Marzipan Alabaster III,
It is with great eagerness and pleasure that I embark upon this correspondence with you. It is an honor and delight to have you for a pen pal. I hope you will tell me all about yourself, your family and friends, and your country.
Your friend,
Lord Coalscuttle Blackmarsh Murkmount Venomir
Dear Lord Colesckuttle Blackmarsh Murkmurk Venemir,
Thank you for being my pen pal. I have always wanted a pen pal. Thank you for your question. My family lives in a castle. It is the only castle in our kingdom so if you should come to visit you will be able to find me. I have a mother named Queen Tulip, and my father is the king. I have seven brothers and three sisters, and one pony. Do you have any pets?
Your friend,
Princess Marzie
Dear Princess Tulip Marzipan Alabaster III,
I was most delighted to receive your letter, and am very grateful for your friendship. It would be of great interest to me if you could tell me something of your country, especially the way the land lies, and perhaps where your father has stationed his armies. I am most interested in military matters, you see.
You asked if I have any pets. I have a rather large collection of reptiles in my possession, and I’m very fond of them. My most prized pet is a very large constrictor which I keep in my dungeon to assist me with punishing those who do not obey the laws of my country.
Yours most truly,
Lord Coalscuttle Blackmarsh Murkmount Venomir
Dear Lord C.B.M.V.,
I hope you do not mind I made your name shorter. It is very difficult to spell it. If you want you can call me Marzie.
I like my country. There are lakes, and mountains, and forests, and farms, and cities. The weather is very nice because it snows a little in the winter, and it gets a little hot in the summer, but not too much. How is the weather in your country?
I know we have a lot of soldiers. I saw them in a parade once, but I do not know where they are now. There are some in the castle, but the rest of them went somewhere else.
We are going to have a party for my birthday, and it would be lovely if you could come. I don’t know if you can because you live very far away.
Your Pen Pall,
Princess Marzie
Dear Princess Marzie,
Thank you for your letter. It is nice to hear about your country. The weather where I live is always very cold, but I hope some day to move to your country where it is nicer.
Perhaps you could tell me something of your father? I have always admired and respected him very much and am curious as to how he fares these days.
Yours,
Lord Venomir
Dear Lord Venomir,
Papa is very cross lately, and I don’t see him very much, but when I do he is cross. Mama says not to worry about it, so instead I ride my pony and think about my birthday party. I hope I get lots of shoes. Those are my favorite. My foot is seven inches long, in case you wanted to know.
Do you ever have birthday parties? What do you like to get?
Dear Princess Marzie,
I have never had a birthday party, but if I should have one, a nice new kingdom would be an excellent present. Perhaps I shall get one for myself this year. I hope you enjoy the shoes I sent, and that snakeskin is not too unfashionable among those of your court. It would be best, perhaps, if you do not mention to your father who sent the shoes to you. I look forward to continuing our correspondence.
Your friend,
Lord Coalscuttle Blackmarsh Murkmount Venomir
You make me laugh with the cleverness of these tales!
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